Couples fight, no duh–that’s basically the understatement of the year. Anyone who says otherwise is either a fool, wearing horse blinders, or is just plain lying. The only questions that remain are: how bad the fight is, how long you intend to stay mad at each other, and how you plan to kiss and make up. When it seems as though you and your partner are fighting your way back to get to a peaceful state, it’s easy to feel helpless and hopeless. So when your romantic relationship has turned into what seems like a pro wrestling match, here are some ways you can still emerge as a champion tag team at the end of the day!
Whether the fight is about something new or is simply a rehash of an old one, try your best not to dig up the bones of your past arguments. Remind yourself that those took time to fix too, and let them stay fixed. Bringing up old arguments just end up birthing new ones. Focus the fight on one thing at a time. This will allow you to stay on track, hear each other out better, and see the light at the end of the tunnel together.
He or she may have been truly in the wrong, but if your goal is to resolve an argument, drilling them until they finally put their hands up and surrender will only let the anger escalate. It’s a relationship, not a court hearing.
Arguments happen because you’re not tuned in to the same frequency. When pitches get higher, it’s all the more important to actually listen—consciously choose to listen to what your partner is saying. If he or she wants to explain his side, tune in, and don’t rehearse what your next statement should be. Try not to tune out too, even if you hear something hurtful or hard to accept. You are exchanging bullets and zingers, but if you proactively listen, you might just be able to find the right way to respond as well.
Arguments are hard because while you feel that you have a good point to make, you also have to be ready to take the blame. It’s so easy to object when the other camp is throwing fireballs at you, but objecting stops their train of thought, and it also shows that you are not open to criticism and quite possibly, even self-improvement. Don’t work too hard to deflect their counter-arguments; rather, select which points he or she made are worth paying further attention and time to.
A common frustration for arguing couples is when one party refuses to admit to either a fault or an issue. If you are at fault, ‘fess up. If you feel like you got hurt, don’t wait until your partner guesses why. It’s an argument, not a test.
If you’re familiar with the term “pabebe”, it simply means that you are acting like a baby and/or playing hard-to-get. If the “sorry” has been said, then gear up for forgiveness. Making him or her wait until the next day or the next week until you finally give your much-coveted forgiveness just drags out the negativity further. You may think you’ve got the upper hand, but you have no control over what goes on inside his/her head. Prolonging the agony just allows a person to dwell in negative thoughts, leading him to be insecure about himself as a partner, and maybe even entertaining drastic options. They may eventually see a breakup scenario when there wasn’t meant to be one.
You and your partner can use touch therapy in subtle ways. You can hold hands and make each other feel that you’re truly there, working together to fix things. You can gently tap the shoulder to reinforce a positive point or reassure them that things will be okay.
Not literally, but take the time to see it from each other’s points of view. It may be hard, but try to see the reasons why he or she acted a certain way or said something. Understanding the reason behind the action may just be the solution you’ve been waiting for.
If you feel that your fight can’t wait until you get home, you might very well be wrong. Don’t break your phone trying to type your rebuttals and arguments as fast and as intensely as you can. Text messages almost always get misinterpreted because tone and intention are not translated accurately. Arguing couples tend to gravitate using the caps lock key, which just further aggravates the situation. Sit down, do some face-to-face time, and work out your issues the old school way.
If you can’t voice out your feelings without getting carried away or distracted by your partner, sit it out and write your feelings down. This way, you can actually make your points as clearly as possible. Suggest that your partner do the same, and swap letters once you’re done. Once you’ve both read your letters, resume the talk with a more informed mind.
Keep in mind that the intention of resolving an argument is driven by your love for each other. Try your best to compromise and even accept defeat, if needed. Look forward to learning new ways to love one another, and don’t focus on who gets to win the fight.