I Didn’t Really Enjoy the Newborn Season – and I’ve Made My Peace with It

“Congratulations, first-time mom! Enjoy every minute!”

“Just take a look at your sweet baby and you’ll forget how tired you are.”

“You’ll be just fine – just sleep when baby sleeps!”

As I was reading these well-meaning posts of encouragement from fellow parents, it was 5 in the morning. I’d had a total of 30 minutes of sleep since 8 pm the night before, and I hadn’t washed my hair in four days. My CS wound was itching and I was sweating profusely despite the air conditioning being on full blast.

My boobs were painfully engorged, and I still couldn’t figure out how to properly latch my days-old baby despite all the classes I took and all the lessons I got from the NICU nurse. Because of this, my son kept waking every half-hour to hour wanting to feed, and I mostly stayed in the rocking chair because he wanted to be held all the time.

Postpartum in the raw. I had no idea what I was in for in the fourth trimester!

Reading those messages in that state, I’d never felt lonelier. No doubt these people wanted to encourage me – but I ended up feeling worse, which then made me feel guilty.

At the peak of postpartum blues, all I could honestly feel was resentment – and shame for feeling resentful. I fantasized about my pre-baby life and cried for weeks, knowing I would never get those days back.

Then I would feel guilty and tell myself I was being ungrateful. Who was I to complain and dislike this discomfort, when so many women long to be mothers? I called myself a bad mom for feeling nothing but exhausted and alone – yes, even after looking at my baby’s beautiful face.

As I look back at that season, I wish I could give that exhausted, sleep-deprived version of myself a long, tight hug. I’m certainly no expert, as I’ve only just begun to navigate another chapter of mothering – toddlerhood – and it has its own joys and challenges.

That said, they say that hindsight is a gift, and it really is true. Here are three things I learned during the newborn season that I continue to remind myself of to this day.

It's okay to make room for some grief.

We like to think of grief as the profound loss of an important person, pet, or even object. But in becoming a mom, nothing prepared me for the grief of losing a season I used to enjoy so much.

I grieved the sweet season of having my husband, time, and schedule all to myself. I grieved the loss of sleep, extra income, and easy travel. As I gave birth during the early months of the pandemic, I also grieved the loss of easy access to family, friends, and community support.

Social media has done us the disservice of showing motherhood through a filtered lens: everywhere we scroll, we see curated feeds of fresh-looking, fashionable, put-together moms with their clean, happy babies.

Then there are the articles about how our babies are worth every pain and sacrifice. While I agree, I fear that many of them glorify the bliss of motherhood to the point that they unintentionally dismiss the darker realities that a lot of us go through.

And so we have a generation of tired, anxiety-ridden mothers who wouldn’t dare say that having a baby isn’t always so enjoyable, lest they be called ungrateful.

So, to the mom (newborn or not) going through a tough season: go ahead, you can grieve. It is okay not to enjoy every moment, to feel the loss of a baby-free life, and even to ache for better, easier days.

This doesn’t make you a selfish or ungrateful mom – it makes you an honest one.

But know that this is also temporary – we will eventually regain what we’ve lost as our babies grow older, although perhaps in different forms.

Remember that the joy of welcoming a little one does not have to sweep healthy grief under the rug or invalidate it.

Be present in the moment.

Being present taught me to acknowledge the joys and struggles of the moment and allow myself to explore the difficult emotions that can come with it, even if it’s truly hard work. In a way, it’s a form of self-compassion because it helps you be honest with yourself.

Asking myself hard questions and allowing my husband to do the same has helped me sift through the surprisingly false narratives I’ve been telling myself and get to the heart of why I feel what I feel.

Fight for your joy.

This is perhaps the toughest lesson for me because the other two lessons don’t naturally or always translate to feeling happier or better.

I like the phrase “fight for your joy” because it reminds me that it is ultimately my decision to shift perspective. While I can’t make a newborn baby sleep through the night or follow my schedule, I can be thankful for small graces: my husband or parents holding my baby while I take a hot shower, seeing the beautiful sunrise, receiving love from my community in the form of hot meals and quick exchanges… and the list goes on.

And while these simple delights don’t “erase” the hard days (because that would be toxic positivity!), they remind me that there is room to thrive in the daily humdrum of mothering – although it may not look like what I was initially expecting.

That said, it’s important to find your own ways of fighting for your joy. For me, this looks like listening to worship songs, reading the Bible, listening to my favorite parenting podcasts, finding something new to watch on Netflix, and smelling newly-laundered clothes (yes, I know that last one sounds weird – but I find it so therapeutic!).

Today, when people give me a weird look whenever I say that I didn’t really love newborn season, I’ve learned to shrug off the guilt and remind myself that no temporary season will permanently define me as a mom.

Every motherhood story is different, and while not all moms share my experience, I know that every journey is worth celebrating and learning from.

So, fellow mama, if you’re not okay today or are having a tough time embracing where you currently are, I hear you and I see you. Know that no season is wasted and that because of its very nature, it will eventually pass. Surround yourself with people who can sit with you in your discomfort and trust that they can take it.

You are not alone, and you will be okay.

Tagged: / /

  1. Another newborn season, really hated it, im just being an honest mom. But I enjoy taking vids of my newborn, also cant get enoigh of his chubby cheeks

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.